Just home from an amazing trip to Australia where I was excited every time I really connected—whether presenting to a large group or sitting down with one person—I can still feel how it fed me! But I’m back in Toronto now and that lovely high has slipped away, I have lost my “oomph!” I’m feeling a little lost, wanting to run away, not sit at my desk and move along with those follow up tasks I listed so enthusiastically on the plane home. It’s easy to beat myself up – criticize myself for not building on my great trip, not picking up those threads of connection!

Fortunately, I have many friends who remind me of my own lessons, who help me to turn towards myself with a little more gentleness, and a little more curiosity about what is drawing me away. Slowly I’m remembering that pushing back doesn’t actually work as it simply creates more resistance! I’m remembering that pushing through, just trying to make myself do it (whatever it is), is rarely a good strategy!

Instead, I need to create a little space from the instant reaction of self-blame. I travelled around Australia telling people that curiosity is the foundation of the approach I have seen make a dramatic difference to support learning. Now I see it helping me, for as soon as I can manage to turn towards whatever it is that I’m avoiding, with some gentle curiosity, then my energy returns a little. More importantly perhaps, I can see how much curiosity and connection are intertwined. For it is in connection, when I tell others my saga of avoidance—my hairdresser, my old friend, my colleague, and finally myself—that I can find some starting point for curiosity and then gradually more clues to what is catching me emerge!

With a little encouragement I can see that, it’s not unreasonable that I should simply be feeling tired! I’ve been “on” for a month, and now I’m ready to nest in my own home, ready to slide into the creative projects I have been missing while travelling. I’m ready to play, with no deadlines! I begin to think perhaps I might allow myself a little space for rest and creative exploration before I take on the next stage!

A little more spaciousness then, and I can acknowledge that there’s some tough stuff I’ve returned to find filling the news. While I was away, I could avoid the question of whether Kavanaugh would be selected as a judge for life in the U.S, or whether women who accuse him of attempted rape will be heard and believed, but now it’s in my face each day. That forces me to see again that Trump, a man who admits violence against women with pride, was elected the leader of one of the most powerful nations, given all the formalities of respect of his office. These facts I find unbearable.

Once I have seen that cause for avoidance, then I can begin to see a contradiction that disturbs me too. There could be opportunity in this awful news. Surely, I can build on this current publicity to draw attention to the impact such violence, and threat of violence, has on “academics” as Dr. Blassey Ford mentioned. I have had such hopes before, and not achieved the attention I hoped to draw to the impact of violence on learning. So, now I can see another old pattern of mine, an overwhelming fear of disappointment, of not being heard myself. Though I spend hours hunting through news reports and transcripts I don’t jump into social media. I remain silent.

Now I have a little more clarity about what is catching me up, I can guess what is reverberating with my past, and that helps me to begin to shift a little, to imagine options. I can see now that though my understanding cannot change the facts I find so unpalatable, it can fuel my writing. I can find some gentle understanding for that lost kid inside me, I can step back from pushing her crossly onwards, insisting she simply do what she cannot bear to do. Instead I can bring curiosity to experiment with what I can do today, just one small something perhaps. One small accomplishment can make a huge difference. That way I can avoid taking a legacy of each day’s “failure” onwards to weigh me down from day to day! Each small achievement becomes something to build on.

As educators, counsellors, change agents, parents, and friends, we need to support others with this concerted kind connection, and tender curiosity. I think we will learn a lot about what it looks like to offer this support for others, when we learn to offer it to ourselves too!

OK I wrote that blog post finally—now what can I take on next?!